If you’re reading this and you’ve never seen TFI Friday before, then some bits may seem strange! Chris Evans is the presenter and he has a sidekick called Worthers. Worthers is usually in the studio, holding up cue cards and chipping in with the odd joke. This week, in honour of Minnie Driver being on the show, Worthers has been sent out in the pouring rain to find someone driving a mini (mini driver!) and has to get him/her to say hello to Minnie Driver. Also, TFI is a very quick & chatty show so transcribing it was a bit of an uphill task to say the least! I hope some of it makes sense!!

On with the show!…

CE = Chris Evans, DD = David Duchovny, MD = Minnie Driver, W = Worthers

David and Minnie walk in through the audience - lots of clapping and cheering. David is wearing a light blue sweater, beige khaki’s and dark brown shoes (looking very sexy!).

Chris Evans stand to welcome them …

CE Welcome David [they shake hands] take a seat. So do you like it? [points to the set]. Is it OK? Is it rocking for you?

DD It’s a party.

CE Are you happy?

DD Yeah [points] - there’s a party over there too.

CE It’s all going on.

DD Yeah.

CE Hey now listen. I’ve got a brother called David.

DD That’s amazing!

CE And my mum’s called Minnie.

MD No! I’ve only ever met donkeys called Minnie. No offence.

CE That’s OK.

[DD & MD both laugh]

MD I promise you, I’ve only ever met Welsh donkeys. I’ve met four of them.

CE Well, my family’s Welsh and I’m not joking. On my mother’s life … she was named after a donkey!

MD No!

CE She was, honest to goodness. They had a donkey and it died, and she was born the day after so they called her Minnie. It’s true!

[MD is now laughing a lot!]

CE There’s something going on, David, here. Figure it out, pal.

DD [smiling] I knew you were going to go there.

CE No, no … I’m not going to go there. Believe me, we’re going nowhere near there. I promise you. So listen you two. Why don’t you just get it together?

[cheers from the audience]

DD In what way?

CE In real life.

MD Oh, stop it!

CE Go on!

DD Right now? Right here, on the table? [slaps hand on top of the table]

CE No, no … permanently!

[lots of cheering from the audience]

CE Well, maybe right now if you want! Go on …

DD Well there’s just two problems. That she has a boyfriend, and I’m married. But other than that …!

CE I know, I know … it’s a slight problem. But see, in the film - your new film - you get on so well.

DD That’s right.

CE [to Minnie] Do you get on that well with your boyfriend? Like you do with David in the film? I don’t believe you do.

MD I do actually.

CE As good as that?

MD Well that’s scripted, you know. I could do with a script now and again with my boyfriend. You know what I mean? Who couldn’t, really.

DD You don’t get scripts at home to act out?

MD Yes - I sometimes get people to write our relationship.

CE David, do you honestly get on as well with your wife as you did with Minnie in the film? Honestly?

DD [pauses, thinking deeply!! Looks to audience for help] Uh. What do you think I should answer? Uh, yes I do, I do. Sure I do. Yeah!

CE You do? OK. Fair enough, that’s a good answer. Were you pleased to hear that Minnie was cast opposite you in this film?

DD Absolutely.

CE Yes?

DD Yeah.

CE Is there anyone you would have preferred?

DD [laughs, looking at Minnie]

MD [laughing] Steady on!

DD [laughs again]

CE You know I’ve got a list here. What about Uma Thurman? Come on.

DD [pretending not to hear right] Eema?

CE Uma. Uma Thurman.

DD Uma Thurman! Uh no. I wouldn’t have preferred her.

CE What about Ellen Barking, ‘cause I think she’s sexy.

DD Alan Barking?

CE Ellen Barking.

DD I would have preferred Alan Barking!

[audience laughs]

CE Is that Ellen’s husband?

What about Bridget Fonda? DD No. No, no, no, no!!

MD No!

[audience join in, generally against Chris’s suggestion!]

CE [to audience] I’m just asking the questions. It’s all I’m here for!

MD They’re just all snoozy blondes. No offence or anything!

CE OK. Well, OK. [to Minnie] Would you have preferred anybody other than David opposite you in this particular film?

MD No. Obviously.

[someone from the audience shouts out ‘Brad Pitt’!]

DD [raises eyes to ceiling, to audience] Thank you very much!

MD Brad Pitt? [shakes head no]

CE Brad Pitt! Come on … Brad Pitt! Come on! Johnny Depp?

MD No.

CE Christian Slater?

MD Already did that movie.

CE I like your film, I think it’s a good film. I think your film is the best of its sort since When Harry Met Sally. Have you seen that movie?

DD Yes I have.

MD Yes, I like that.

DD I like it very much.

CE Do you think your film is better or worse than When Harry Met Sally?

DD Better.

MD Yes, better.

CE Yes? Why?

DD ‘Cause it’s newer.

CE ‘Cause it’s newer?

DD Well you haven’t seen it yet.

CE I’ve seen it.

DD [points to audience] Well they haven’t seen it.

CE The thing about it is, well, I tried to explain on the radio this morning what it was about. But you can’t actually say anything about it, ‘cause you’d give it away.

MD Well, what you can say is that it’s such an incredibly far-fetched premise that makes you …

DD [interrupting, to audience - with sarcasm!] That makes you want to see it, doesn’t it!?

MD No, but if you heard it. If you heard it you wouldn’t believe it!

[David reaches over to cover Minnie’s mouth with his hand, which she bats away]

MD [to David] No, stop! [to audience] You wouldn’t believe it!

CE They’re like a couple anyway, aren’t they?!

[David and Minnie laugh]

MD [still trying to finish her point!] … that it was true or could happen. Bit it is dead funny and it is dead sad. And someone is dead in it!

DD [looks at his watch, pretending to be bored! Raises eyebrows to audience]

CE No, no, that’s good! ‘Cause it’s dead funny, dead sad, and someone’s dead. Now that’s alright! So, you have a heart transplant in it. We can say that.

MD Yes. It’s a big laugh, that one! It’s obviously not funny at all.

CE Have you ever had a heart transplant in real life?

DD Yes … she did it in order to prepare for the movie.

CE Did you?

DD That’s the kind of actor she is.

CE Have you ever had an operation, David, in real life?

DD Yes.

CE What?

DD No, I can’t talk about it!

CE Come on!

MD He had a brain transplant!

CE Did he? No, have you had an operation really?

DD Well, I had an operation.

CE Which one was your favourite?

DD My favourite? [laughing] Umm …

CE If you had to have an operation, which one would you have?

DD Umm … [someone from the audience shouts ‘boob op’!]

MD [nudges David, egging him on] Go on, tell them. Tell them!

DD What? A boob op? Well, actually yeah. There’s a movie that I’m interested in doing where a guy actually gets breast implants on a bet for $100,000.

MD That’s a true story.

CE Is it a true story?

DD So I might be getting nice big tits!

CE Is this a true story - Return to Me - is it a true story?

MD No.

CE OK. It’s a great story. We’ve got a clip now. [to Minnie] This is you being all coy with your friend. I think this is a great clip. Girls, you’re really going to associate with this.

[cuts to clip of Minnie in the bath discussing first dates and leg shaving on the phone to her friend]

DD Let me just reiterate at this point that I am in the movie!

[audience laughs]

CE No, I know. We thought you might think that but we’ve got another clip with you in the movie.

DD I was actually under the water!

[everyone laughs here!]

CE There’s a gorilla in the film. Is that a real gorilla? We had a bet on it yesterday and I think it’s a man in a gorilla suit.

DD/MD It’s real.

CE What, at the end when he does that [raises arms above his head] on top of the tree?

DD Yeah.

CE [to audience] That’s how the movie ends. It’s brilliant! The gorilla goes to the top of a tree and goes like that [does the actions again]. But you have to figure out what happens up to that point!

MD [pleading, to audience!] Oh G-d, please go and see it!

DD [pleading some more!] It’s funny!

MD It’s really good [laughs].

CE It’s classic. It’s a brilliant movie.

DD And the gorilla has its legs shaved, which is appropriate!

CE [still laughing] We have to go now to Worthers for a question from the bridge.

DD Oh yeah - I like him!

MD He’s soaking wet.

DD He’s looking for a mini driver!

CE Yep. Worthers, over to you. What’s your question?

[cut to Worthers, in the rain, on Tower Bridge]

W David, Minnie [winks - audience cheers, David & Minnie laugh], do you remember being at my level of show business?

DD/MD [both laugh a lot!]

MD Actually, I try to forget!

DD I don’t think where you are is actually even yet a level!

[audience laugh until they see Worthers looking hurt, then they ‘boo’ & ‘arrrh’ etc!]

CE He’s so hard! Worthers, that is their answer to your question.

W OK. Back to you!

[cut back to the studio]

MD He’s got to buy a mac really. Did you see, he’s all soaking wet over his T-Shirt.

DD He’s funny. Is he always your sidekick? Or just today?

CE Is he officially a sidekick? I suppose he is. Yeah, he’s great.

DD You just send him around?

CE What, here?

DD Well do you always send him out?

CE No, never. Just today.

DD Well that’s great. That is funny!

CE Just today. To look for this mini…hang on a sec [to crew] is that right? [to audience] There’s a mini on its way!!

MD [getting excited!] Come on!

[cut to Worthers]

W [runs across the road and flags down a mini] [to driver] I’m Worthers from TFI Friday on Channel 4. As a mini driver, would you like to say hello to Minnie Driver?

Driver Hello Minne Driver!

[audience cheers]

W [to driver] Thank you very much.

CE Well that’s a first! Let’s go back to Worthers, quickly.

W Yeah?

MD He looks so chuffed!

CE How pleased are you! Get back here ‘cause I think they want to meet you. Literally run back here as fast as you can!

[cut back to studio, where DD is wiping a tear from his eye!]

DD How far away is he?

CE We’ve got another camera that’ll show you where he was. Let’s cut to the camera outside. [pauses, listens to his earpiece] Why have you turned it off? Why? Why? Why have you turned it off before the show’s over?

[crew member shouts out ‘you don’t want to know’]

CE Yeah, I do!

[‘we re-cabled for the band!’]

CE You re-cabled for the band? Oh, so that’s how much you care for little Worthers out there!

CE [to Minnie] You know you had that big scar in the movie?

MD Yes.

CE And there’s a problem with that, because you don’t want to tell him a) about the cosmetics of your scar, and b) how it happened.

MDExactly.

CE Right. Is that true? Do people who have had heart operations - ladies - do they worry about how they look?

MD Do you know, the women that I met - some of them are conscious of it. Some of them show it and are proud of it, and some of them wear high jumpers all the time and never show it to anybody. But most are just glad to be alive.

CE [to David] When you first saw the scar, prosthetic as it was, what did you think?

DD I never saw the scar. I never saw it. Every scene that I do with Minnie, she’s covering the scar.

CE You’ve seen the film though, haven’t you?!

DD [pauses, thinking!] Yeah!

CE So you saw it in the film.

DD Oh you’re right! I did see it in the film! What did I think of it?

CE I think scars can be sexy, don’t you?

DD Oooh yeah! In a lumpy kind of way.

CE OK. In a lumpy kind of way.

DD You’re making fun of my accent!!

CE No I’m not! Let’s see a bit of the movie that you’re in.

DD [smiling] Oh yeah, my movie!

[cuts to clip of David and Minnie dancing together]

CE Keep the music going. [Worthers comes in] Minnie, if you’d like to dance with Worthers your hero!

[all three of them (DD, MD, W) dance, then David takes over and dances with just Worthers] This is where the show ends. A fun time was had by all!!