DD comes out to wild cheering - they hug and sit
LENO: Well, now….
<cheering gets louder>
LENO: Welcome! before we get started……
DD interrupts: It is cold in here! <referring to an earlier female audience member who had not realised what serious air-conditioning can do to a thin shirt when no bra is worn!>
LENO: It is cold in here. Yeah!
DD: Colder than back stage. <flashes his jacket open>
<wild screaming>
LENO: yeah, well……
<DD flashes his jacket flaps dramatically as though showing off his chest>
<screams from the audience>
DD sadly: I wore the wrong shirt! <opens one side of his jacket, looks down at his dark blue shirt and smoothes one hand across his breast - nothing!>
LENO: you know, it somehow doesn't work on you, but anyway…..you know…..you know……
<DD mock-frowns>
LENO: You're a Knicks fan, right?
DD: Yes, I am
LENO: I know you're a Knicks fan
DD: Well, I'm from New York, so…..
LENO: I know, I know…
DD: It's a lifelong thing…
LENO: It's a lifelong thing!
DD: It is, if you love a team then, no matter, you know, the current Knicks have….I don't know them really but….I remember…<players names (?)>.. from those days…..
<Knicks fans, help me out here?>
LENO: Exactly, exactly! My point being I saw a piece of video tape which I feel needs some explanation. Take a look.
<they look up at the monitor suspended from the ceiling to DD's right>
<news clip of Shaq (sp?) O'Neill, LA Lakers basketball player, sitting down beside DD courtside at a game. O'Neill is the size of a house - literally - DD looks tiny sitting beside him. You could make three Davids out of one O'Neill! I mean the man has something like size 24 and a half feet!>
LENO commenting on the clip: Yeah, Okay, there's the big man, he sits down next to you! He seems to know you. Now, what was going on there, what was that all about?
<cheering>
LENO: Are you a Lakers fan now?
DD mock-whining, poker-face: well its,….its. well I guess the cat's out of the bag now. What happened there was, its no secret that this year on the X Files I only did 10 or 11 episodes and I…..I mean I didn't have that much to do until the end and I was a little disgruntled about the whole situation and er……
LENO: Right
DD: …..and my work, I thought, suffered. I wasn't happy with my work. But actually what I was most unhappy with, on the X Files, for myself, this year was my free throw shooting!
<laughter>
LENO pretending to be concerned: Really? <nods head understandingly>
DD: Yeah! <laughter> So, er…..I enlisted Shaquil O'Neill to help me
LENO: Who better?
DD: …with my free throw shooting and then when we were at the game see, actually when I was there ….<gestures to the monitor> I was very conscious of , you know, not doing one of these <mimes a small eager fan looking up sideways at a great big star> when he sat down like you know I didn't want to appear like a 6 year old boy next to him but then when I saw that footage I saw like, you know when you see those pictures of people in the Grand Canyon and they hold a cigarette pack up, you know like, look how big……I feel like the 'to scale' guy
LENO: Why did he sit down next to you?
DD: I have no idea!
LENO: Oh, he just…..in the middle of the game?
DD: Well it wasn't ….well, they had won the game pretty much
LENO: Oh, it was the end of the game.
DD: No, it wasn't the end of the game - it was during the game, which was why they rolled the footage but it was odd because he didn't really talk, he just kinda sat down, and I'm like - I guess its up to me to make conversation. <laughter> and I was like er…."That's Glen Fry's seat!" He didn't go for that. I was like "Can I get in the game?" You know I was just trying to make conversation but er he was friendly…..
LENO: He was probably focused <consolingly touches DD's elbow>
DD agreeing: He was focused
LENO: But he is a friendly guy!
DD: He's a very friendly guy.
LENO: Then I ran into Kevin Neelon (sp?)……..
DD interrupting and pouting: He <Shaq> hasn't called!
LENO: Really!?!
DD shakes his head: Nope.
LENO: You didn't bond?…….Now what is this about the paintings? Kevin Neelon said I was supposed to ask you about some paintings?
DD: Yeah, my friend Kevin Neelon asked me to do something for charity for a farm sanctuary which is this group that kinda takes downed animals, animals that would be slaughtered but are too weak and they're actually killed before they would be slaughtered. So there's a group who takes them and kind of gives them a home upstate…
LENO: That's very nice!
DD: Yeah, its very nice and while we were talking about he said do you think the animals ever fake like they're really hurt you know 'Farm Sanctuary' is around, you know, if we fake like we're really ill then we won't be slaughtered…'<realises joke is falling flat, makes resigned face> well, anyway…..<audience laughter> he said no he didn't think that they ever did that. Anyway, he <Neelon> said 'is there anything you can give…can you sign anything, memorabilia, any X Files stuff like that and I said I don't really have anything on me but then it just came to me in a flash, like a revelation, I thought 'I'll paint something with my arse!'
<audience wild cheers and screams, Leno mock-frowns at the idea>
LENO: How do you hold the brush? I'm curious
DD: Well, this is true.
LENO: I don't even understand that……
DD: Its more like finger painting but…..
LENO interrupting: Eeeeehew! <or however you spell that sound> with your own fingers?
DD: No! with my own arse!
<More laughter and screaming>
<Leno reaches down behind desk to pick something up - small postcard size drawings>
LENO: Is that what these are? does that explain……
DD: You know, you can make fun all you want, but when you take a look at this work that I've done you'll see…..
LENO holding a postcard size painting to the camera close up asks: Now who would want that hanging in their home, Huh?
<that laughter and screaming thing again - understandable since the painting is of what looks like the imprint of 2 red arse cheeks with writing around them>
LENO: Is that you in the middle?
DD laughing: yeah, part of me!
LENO: OK, and this is another one? and how much did you get for these paintings
DD: They got $3100
LENO amazed: $3100?
<holds painting to camera - less clearly defined pink arse cheeks surrounded by blue paint>
DD: for the three…..
LENO: Now what is the technique……
DD interrupting: I mean, look at that, that's not so bad is it?
<whoops from audience>
DD: This is the one I'm most proud of…..
<LENO holds up third card - pink and white paint and a bit more abstract than the other two - hard to see which bits are 'cheek'!>
LENO: Now what…..now how does it…..are you naked?
DD: Yes, I'm naked!
LENO: …….sit in the paint and then sit on the…….?
DD: well, here's the deal. When you're married, you live for that moment - My wife was there when I made the suggestion to Kevin that I would paint these canvases with my arse. Then, er… I let it go because I just thought I'm never going to get around to doing that and who wants to do it anyway. And then, one night we were going to bed and it was like 10.30pm and my wife said…..and this is the moment and…..<looking at Leno> you're married see….see you live for these moments when your wife turns to you and says 'Honey, I think we should do some arse painting!' So I said 'OK, lets load it up' and what happened was, we didn't know what we were going to. Obviously I wasn't going to insert the brush <gestures vaguely downwards> no!………<audience make 'disgusted' noises>….that's not how…..
LENO: That's not how a true artist would work…..
DD: I'm not that committed….so what she did is, really all the honor goes to her because the colour scheme………. I just stripped down and she basically just chose colours that she liked and kind of covered my arse in them and then we did this thing were it was like Pollack. You remember those posters for Pollack? with Ed Harris? <gets up to demonstrate> so we took these great shots of me just totally bare-arsed with my arse full of paint just kinda like…..<half crouches, staring at the floor with 'mime' cigarette in hand> you know very intense with a cigarette in my mouth….just kinda……you know 'where am I going to sit next? I don't know!'
<sits down to cheers and clapping>
LENO: …..well, they're beautiful! Its for a good cause! Let me ask you about the movie. Now what is Evolution about?
DD: Well, its about aliens <throws both hand wide in a 'why me?' gesture>
LENO: Aliens again?, but at least you're in new territory…
DD: but its funny you know…..
LENO: Oh, its a comedy?
DD: Yeah, the similarities to the X Files are completely superficial…
LENO: right…
DD: I mean in tone it couldn't be further from the X Files so it's a big funny, very funny comedy. Its very funny, I love this movie and are you going to roll that right away? <gesturing to Leno's pop-up TV screen between DD and Leno>
LENO: Yeah, what are we seeing here?
DD: I think you're just seeing me……<to audience> there are no aliens in this clip, by the way. I think its an old girlfriend of mine who surprises me at lunch.
<scene of Ira, Orlando etc at lunch in a diner>
LENO: Took a look.
DD explains: She just broke up with me.
<clip rolls>
<clips ends, wild cheering from audience>
LENO: Folks, the movie is Evolution , it opens June 8th! <shakes hands>
DD: Yeah, yeah that's it!
LENO to DD: Good luck!
LENO to audience: Be right back with Kate Beckinsale after this. David Duchovny!
<wild cheers>
end
